Chickenfoot - I Can't Listen to this Shitty Music at 55rpms anymore.

Where were you when you heard about Sammy Hagar's new 'supergroup,' Chickenfoot? When you heard that Joe Satriani was on guitar, Michael Anthony was on bass, and Chad Smith was playing drums did you totally flip out? When you heard that badass name did you hurl and shatter your zong in excitement? Were your friends and family devastated for weeks when they couldn't find you anywhere, only to discover you in your apartment- malnourished, sickly and writhing on the floor in a seizure after having read THIS?!?!??!:

"When people hear the music, it's Led Zeppelin. It's as good as that. I know that's a mighty bold statement... We could rival Zep." - Sammy Hagar

If you were...Give up. There's no hope for you.

WOW! A BRAND NEW LED ZEPPELIN!!! no one's ever tried that! Let's check out our new heroes of Rock n' Roll. The dudes who are gonna start a rockolution and save us from the complete cum dumpster that is the last 30 years of popular music! Check out your totally new, red-rockin', cabo-wabo drinkin' Robert Plant 2.0!

Look at that guy! He could be passed out on your couch! Awesome!

The mysterious black magic of Jimmy Page will now be shat out by this fucking pompous, weird-looking alien dude:

You're doing it wrong. Hands go the other way. Return to mothership.

Don't forget that amazing Zep rhythm section, sporting the familiar heavy tones of this jackass with a whiskey bass and wrestling shoes.

"Whoa, dude! What is in this stuff?!?!"

This must be where Hagar had to stop and think. The thoughts zipping through the Red Rocker's notoriously fake-baked head weren't the ones you would think (i.e. "What a worthless career i've made for myself"; "I should probably kill myself by drinking Mike Anthony's bass" or "I think I got HPV from that waitress...wait, that was a chick, right?"), but rather "Who could possibly fill the gigantic boots of John Bonham? Jason Bonham won't do. No, not Jimmy Chamberlin, not Neal Pert, not Dave Grohl. I want that guy who plays on the "Hey Oh" song by the Big Wet Spicy Peppers. I liked that one. It reminds me of last year when that song came out."

"I make instructional drum videos. No, really."

SOOOOOO...with that one guy who looks like that other funny guy banging on the skins, I present you, the wonderfully lucky readers of Blood Pile, with your BRAND. NEW. AMERICAN. LED. ZEPPELIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHICKEN FOOT!